What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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