paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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