Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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