if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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