I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Porn is love you can see.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
