she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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