My nipple is on Facebook.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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