i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize