i just wanna soil my oats bro
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
