tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
