Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
did i walk over a car last night?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
