Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
