my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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