I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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