To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize