I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
