My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
