My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
