Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just took my morning after pill in the library
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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