he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
