i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
