my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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