it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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