I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
