I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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