the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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