is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
