Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
