what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize