i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
