Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
