I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
