Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
