I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
