Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My cat gives me a boner
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
