there was a trapeze. enough said
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize