Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
