Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
