I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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