the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
