btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
