she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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