that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
