hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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