I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm bleeding and have questions
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
