Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
