If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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