Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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