I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
