I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she peed on how many people?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I'm really busy with my period
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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