Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
