You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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