I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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