the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Houston, we have a blender
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
