Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
