Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
