a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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