the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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