Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
