Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
