I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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