what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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