So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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