i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Blood and glitter go together right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize