he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
