I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
