If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
