I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
