There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
