I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
