I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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