He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
