The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
