so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
