How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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